Ah Ma
just realised that ah ma is not talking at all these days....really missed her replies to me even though they are so standard.....like whether she has eaten, who has fed her, what she likes to eat, how many grandchildren she has and whether she can name them............i looked at the new year goodies bought by my aunties for the new year and i wonder if they would continue to do so if ah ma passes away. not that these goodies mattered much to me, but realised that life would be so different without ah ma. maybe my aunties won't visit us during cny.....think our family ties would weaken over time. really missed the sundays when my uncle took us out every fortnight when we were young. ah ma was really happy then.
there are few things that i did for ah ma but feel really glad that i took pictures with her when i graduated from NTU in 2000. i wish i did more.
i am starting to miss ah ma even though she is still alive. at each stage of her decline in health, i feel very sad and helpless. i can only do so much to make her feel better. sometimes, i cried in the night abt my grandma and whenever i see a show abt kinship. it is unfortunate that my wife does not feel the same towards my grandma and she feels that my grandma is competing for my time. i cannot relate my feelings abt my grandma to my wife. she doesn't want to understand it. at least, that's what i think.
thank god...ppl from touch homecare came in and helped out...if not, the situation would be even worse. joselin and dr ong is coming to see ah ma on thurs... hope they can get ah ma to be more awake...i hope.
but in the end, ah ma will go and i have to come to terms the facts. it may be better for her cos she is suffering now and her demise can end her suffering. i know it in my head but my heart pains when i think abt it.
that's why i think of serving in the old folks ministry when she goes. or maybe the first person i should start is my dad..... my hatred for him should have ended after some many years..and that's stg that ah ma would welcome.
posted by jotting down memories @ 10:15 AM
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